Friday, August 5, 2016

A year already?

I just can't believe it's been one year since we said goodbye. 
A year since I lost my son Gary. His ashes sit in a beautiful urn on my daughter's mantle. 
Now, every family occasion, every holiday, every special day, and every ordinary day is tinged 
with a little sadness, and sorrow, that  he is missed, he is missing, and he will not ever be with 
us again,  That will never change. Until we see him again one day in Glory.  

    Yesterday,on the  first anniversary of his death,  I filled this locket with some of his ashes
for his grandmother.  We didn't give my Mother-in-law one after the funeral, because she was very against cremation.  But when Grandma saw us weating these lovely lockets, she said she'd like to have one too. So Amy got one for her, and wanted to present it to her on the anniversary of the day he died.  Both daughters were working, so my daughter asked me to scoop out some of the ashes and fill the vial for the jewelry.
    This exquisite urn has a permanant special place on Julie's mantle, and each holiday, we decorate around it.  Carefully I took it down, and I opened the urn for the first time.   It felt so peculiar to be doing this.
    I didn't know what to expect, how I would feel doing this.  It might be somewhat difficult, sacrosanct. but with love, I somehow did it.  Of course I shed  a few tears, it was an unusual and emotional experience. All the while, talking to him, despite knowing he isn't  really here, I filled that little silver heart with a little bit of my son's cremated remains.  It was another part of the mourning process.

 Here is just one of the a family's  favorite snapshots of my kids, 
at Grandma's house, seated at the piano.

 Dear God,
     Thank you for giving me the strength and desire  to keep going and living without my boy.
Thank you for giving me such peace, and always being there for me. For turning my heartbreak
into more love and deeper understanding of life and death. Oh, I've learned so much about what really matters.
      I am so grateful that my daughters, my mother, his other grandmother, and all his aunts and
cousins, and many other family members and friends who let me know that they loved him too,
and they remember him. A mother wants to know that her child is not forgotten.
      I thank you,  Lord Jesus, for loving Gary too, for saving him, for taking him home,
for healing him, and for the assurance that I will be with him again one day, forever.
     Thank you for my sweet memories and the wonderful years I had with my child.
     I was blessed, and I know it.
     Help me to continue to grow in faith and learn ways to help other parents who have lost their children.
        In Jesus name, Amen

       I often pray this prayer, especially nowadays.

And I cling to this image of Jesus holding my son.

I think I'll upgrade his memorial site, on the funeral home's obituary page, so I can upload more photos.  I'll post the URL, when I accomplish that.

Gary and his son, Gary III, about 2000-01

Love, Linda