Thursday, February 4, 2016

He's been gone six months!

    Six months since I lost my son.  It is not any more believable or any less heartbreaking. I am not used to it, over it , nor am I done grieving.  It feels like he died last week.  I am able to go on, because God has given me peace and I have so much love and happiness in my life. I have daughters who look after me, my mother, my boyfriend, lovely sisters and nieces, and so many friends who care about me, spend time with me. I can live with my loss because I know my son is with Jesus. I trust in the Lord and I don't know how anyone who does not have that assurance can deal with this kind of loss.  I am lucky (blessed) to be strongly supported.   My son would be glad that I am okay, and able to continue living a happy life.  But still,  there is a deep sadness, that underlies every occasion, every day's events.  At the same time, I am happy I had him for 42 years and I will never forget the love we shared.

 He would be glad that I am experiencing one year anniversary of when I finished chemo. My doctors think I am doing great.  He would be so glad that I am feeling good, and there seem to be no signs of recurrence! 

My daughter, Amy, handpainted this T-shirt.

      And  I am glad Gary is free, in no more pain.  I am extremely concerned about the epidemic of heroin addiction in this country and even heard discussion about it in the presidential candidates's debates., constant reports in newspapers and online.
I feel for all the families that suffer from loss of their loved ones,  and those living in the devastating grip of addiction.. I wish my story would change someone's life, so they wouldn't have to lose their child. I do not know what to do about this problem.

   I am disappointed that I am progressing so slowly, in finding my way back to normal.  (With both the cancer recovery and the bereavement process.)   I don't know what I should be doing. I still feel a little lost and a little broken, but I have to tell myself it's not my fault, I couldn't have saved him.
 Someone told me, "Remember the Three C's 
                                       You didn't cause it.
                                        You can't cure it.
                                         You can't control it.  "
There is a beautiful post I read about Mothers not blaming themselves . I was comforted by this article.'t-fail-as-a-mother/. This blog has many posts about how a grieving mother really feels and how to cope. I keep going back there to read more.
There is a page on facebook with so much help and

   I am sometimes pushing myself to do things, not really feeling the desire or fire in me. I am extremely grateful for my cancer to be gone, no signs of recurrence! But I am changed, and living with the aftermath of chemo and suppressing fears of it coming back. I must go on, and believe all will be well. The loss of my son makes me feel like part of me has died, but I am very much alive, and will live for the both of us! 

I just put one foot in front of the other.

I just pray, "Lord help me, I am weak, give me strength". And He does. 

One day at a time,  And each day brings it's surprises.  Little things mean a lot.

  Love, Linda