Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Is anybody out there?

Five years on this blog, and is anyone reading it?  Feels like I am writing a journal. Especially when I pour my guts out.  Well, that's actually good therapy I suppose.  Actually maybe it's good no one reads it.  My ex-husband wouldn't like me talking about my son, being frank about his difficult adolescence. He'd probably say I shouldn't tell people this personal stuff, it's embarrassing.  Do I really care what he thinks?
 Cancer, who wants to keep hearing about that?  " You're done treatment, why do you still have to keep talking about it."    Uh, yeah, actually I do need to talk about it.  It entirely changed my life, threatened to take it.  I need to get information, news, and  updates out to others, I need to thank people who support me,  I need to celebrate anniversaries of when treatment ended, stuff like that. I have a facebook page that was started by my daughter, then turned over to me, called  Love For Linda, now renamed Love To and From Linda. My sister Beverly said, "Yes, of course you must blog about it. It's the biggest story of your life!

 Vintage Business......Maybe I should just talk about vintage stuff I sell, and not real problems. 
I'm not even an expert on that, certainly not making a lot of money at it.  Should I talk about having a small business in a terrible economy, insufficient income.  Struggling to pay bills. Who would want to hear that?  That's why my vintage business might not be that interesting.  Maybe after I become successful, then the journey might show others how to make it.  Having your own business with only yourself to depend on is hard. Not selling, no matter how hard you work is even harder.
 But I press on, selling on Etsy, and I have been sharing a booth at a local antiques and art center. April 1, I am taking over the whole booth, as the other ladies are moving on.
Might be a big April Fools joke on me,  but I am going to give it my all.
  I lost my son in August, and am still grieving, so this is another life-changing event that has happened, and God has given me grace, and I've really learned to lean on Him. I've written his story on this blog, but I still will always want to talk about him, and probably will do a post later this month on his birthday.  I will honor him, and try to help other bereaved parents, by sharing my story.

 I am on an emotional roller coaster,  with my recovering from the most traumatic year ever.  Fighting breast cancer was a real interesting project. Facing your mortality, having a life-threatening disease, but believing you can beat it, because you must. Because you know that God is on your side,   and He has lots of work for you to do .  Little grandchildren need you, aging mother needs you, needy boyfriend needs you.
 "Don't give up, be strong, fight like a girl, act like a survivor and thrive! " These are the messages from friends and family and the things I tell myself.  I get tired, discouraged, but  I don't let myself stay down, I just talk to the Lord,  keep pushing, moving.
 So, I am not depressed, lonely, or desperate. I have strong faith and lots of love from family.
Still I have fears, sadness and worries.
But do people really want to hear about your feelings?  Maybe not. But I want to share them.
 Yes,  being startled with the possibility of not being alive in a few years is not pleasant topic, But very real and powerful experience.   I now know what it's like to face my mortality. And the loss of a child, the worst thing that ever happened to me. Does it help me heal to write about it?
.   Can sharing it help someone else?

  I am fighting to live, I have so much to live for, so much I still want to do. I am following all the doctor's instructions, taking all the recommended supplements, exercising, eating right, getting enough sleep, being kind, praying constantly, studying my Bible, listening to music, reading books, watching classic movies I missed,  paying attention to politics and doing all the "right" things.

   I suppose I could speak about life  in general, with some authority, simply by virtue of being a senior citizen, with lots of life experience!
 I've learned a little bit.  Done a few interesting things.
I think I am at the 5th stage ? 

  I plan on attending events to learn about how to thrive, I participate in a support group, and am learning about  living beyond cancer. I am researching heroin addiction, studying antiques and vintage. So I am not bored, I have plenty of projects, lots of work, and not a lot of time to myself, so why am I writing this blog?

  •  I want to share.
  •  I want to learn from others,
  •  It's a kind of  social outlet. I am not reclusive, and it connects me with others.
  •  It's a creative outlet, I like writing. 
  •  I care and want to make a difference.  
  •  It's free entertainment, I don't have money for cable TV, so reading and writing a blog is satisfying and stimulating.

Okay, I think I have enough reasons to continue. I will take a couple more blogging tutorials, keep at it, pray for guidance and keep doing interesting things to talk about!  I am not a quitter.
 So please comment if you can.  I need a little feedback.  Is anyone out there reading my blog?

 Love, Linda