Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Good grief!

I know there are stages of grief, that we must go through to heal. 
I think they overlap, maybe even cycle and return, when we think we are past a phase. 
 But still we will go through some steps to healing. 
 Four, Five or Seven -  Denial, Anger, and a couple more,
 depending whose books you read, and finally Acceptance.
 The reality of the loss sinks in slowly, and I don't think it ever goes away.
 I just have to learn to live with it. These are the supposed stages of grief 
but I know you can experience them in any order,  and even skip some .

Kubler-Ross Model  Stages of Grief

 So,  I guess I'm in Anger Stage. And depression, aren't they related? 
 Ugh!    I don't like myself having bad thoughts, but I do admit it. 

 I reread my last post, and looking back  now I see I was in denial  
 "No, no..., no..." ,    
 "I still can't believe it",    
 "I wish I had more time with him", etc. 
     And I suppose I feel a little angry. Because it's not over for me, 
although it seems like everyone has stopped talking about my son. 
 It's old news.  They've  moved on  to the next drama, It seems they don't  remember him
 or realize that I am still stuck grieving.  It's not their fault.
 There are birthdays, weddings, school and work, health problems, life is complicated.
  Life goes on. 
    So I have to forgive them, and I really do, because they just can't possibly know
 what I'm feeling..  I feel  some slight anger to the people that didn't respond, or come 
to the service at church, or call.  Don't they know I need them?  
A lesson here!  From now on,  I know I will always call,
even if I don't know what to say.
 There is nothing worse than indifference.  
I know I am being  unreasonable, and I don't dwell on it, 
 I understand people are busy, or they had something else to do, 
 Just feel a fleeting irritation,  or disappointment.  
  I'm not saying my feelings are justified or rational, just that I have them.
  I'm just explaining how I feel sometimes, and I think it's probably common
 for a bereaved person to have these thoughts. .    
    I am also sometimes angry at the one that may have caused the death. the dealer who suppliedthe fatal dose of Heroin, the friends who enabled, and whoever else allowed it to happen.. 
Angry one minute, then the next, I feel so sad for them and their heartache. For surely,they must be feeling horrible and guilty and ashamed. 
     In my son's case, there are enablers, misguided friends, disinterested family members, and a drug dealer.    Lots of people to be angry with, who failed him.  Even his mental health providers counselors, who didn't know how to help him.   It wasn't any one person's fault, but many who  played a role over many years that contributed to his death,  who are targets for my resentment.  I know there is no sense in trying to figure this out, and nothing can bring him back. 
    Also I feel momentary guilt, anger with myself.  Should I have done something, could I have stopped it from happening?  I think any parent would feel this way.

   Then I remember God's grace, and ask for Him to give me grace and He does, and I'm fine.
 "Please God, don't let me be angry or depressed." 

 So I move on to thinking,  "How can I  make his life  and his death meaningful?"
 I don't want Gary's life or his death to have been I vain.  That's why I must write about it.
 I must share the drug abuse hotlines, suicide warning signs, scripture verses for healing.
 I have to learn more about my son's problem, so I might help someone else's son.
 Everything I've learned about trusting the Lord for strength when I am weak,
knowing there is hope for a future, I must share what I can, as I move on.  

 I feel so many different emotions.
  I've read that I should allow myself to feel, then let it go.  
 Sad, then glad, 
sometimes grateful, then ungrateful,
 wanting someone to blame- then feeling compassionate. 
 Crazy roller coaster ride.  
 But mostly, just feel like everything has changed 
and a part of me is dying.
 I'm in a bit of a stupor, but I'm trying to act normal. 
 Going on living, working, playing, loving, laughing. 
Then I wonder, how did I do that?
  And I get through another day, and another. 
 Somehow, life goes on, one day at a time,
 and I find  goodness, purpose, and joy.

 I found  this poem.  The author seems to get it. 

    Those of you who know me, heard about my trip to the beach last month. Just a couple  weeks after Gary died, and  I thought I should be feeling sorrowful.   I thought I would go and meet God there,  and start letting myself mourn, have a big cry, a meltdown.
    Then I sat there and nothing happened, but pure serenity, and calm.  It was the most beautiful peaceful time. I sat there a long time. I repeated this four times, each daybreak, I watched the sunrise, when no one else was around.  And still no crying, just total tranquility.  I think that's weird.  Or maybe  it was God giving me comfort, and hope.  I did  ask for that, after all. 
I prayed, "  Dear God,   Help me I can't do this alone. I can't bear this alone."

But God assures us we are never alone, and I am not alone, He is always right by my side.
  In  the midst of deep sorrow, in the shadow of the valley.
  He's my strength. my defender, my refuge. 
 Listen to this song, which helped me so much through my cancer treatments, and now.  

You've got to hear this song, "I Am Not Alone"  by Kari Jobes
I am not alone, I have the Great Comforter by my side and I will be okay.
 I have so much living and loving to do!
Love, Linda 

US Nat'l Suicide Prevention Lifeline 800-273-TALK
  mental health issues?  www.NAMI.org

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