Six months since I lost my son. It is not any more believable or any less heartbreaking. I am not used to it, over it , nor am I done grieving. It feels like he died last week. I am able to go on, because God has given me peace and I have so much love and happiness in my life. I have daughters who look after me, my mother, my boyfriend and all my friends who care about me, spend time with me, I am lucky to be strongly supported. My son would be glad that I am okay, and able to live a happy life. But still there is a deep sadness, that underlies every occasion, every day's events. At the same time, I am happy I had him for 42 years and I will never forget the love we shared.
He would be glad that I am experiencing one year anniversary of when I finished chemo. My doctors think I am doing great. He would be so glad that I am feeling good!
And I am glad Gary is free, in no more pain. I am very interested in the epidemic of heroin addiction in this country and even heard discussion about it in the presidential candidates's debates.
I feel for all the families that suffer from loss of their loved ones, and those living in the devastating grip of addiction.. I wish my story would change someone's life, so they wouldn't have to lose their child. I do not know what to do about this problem.
I am disappointed that I am progressing so slowly, in finding my way back to normal. (With both the cancer recovery and the bereavement process.) I don't know what I should be doing. I still feel a little lost and a little broken, but I have to tell myself it's not my fault, I couldn't have saved him.
Someone told me, "Remember the Three C's
You didn't cause it.
You can't cure it.
You can't control it. "
I am sometimes pushing myself to do things, not really feeling the desire or fire in me. I am grateful for my cancer to be gone, no signs of recurrence! But I am changed and living with the aftermath of chemo and suppressing fears of it coming back. I must go on, and believe all will be well.
I just put one foot in front of the other.
I just pray, "Lord help me, I am weak, give me strength". And He does.
One day at a time, And each day brings it's surprises. Little things mean a lot.